When the Heart Speaks

I just stumbled across a conversation that I had with my heart five years ago and I am in awe about what it revealed.

This week my son asked me if I had a spare notebook. He didn’t want any of the multiple blank notepads and journals that I have, but I found a purple spiral notebook that was only partially used. It was only after I’d ripped the used pages out of it that I looked to see what I was using it for. That’s when I realized that it was a notebook that I’d started during a workshop with Lerita Coleman Brown, a spiritual director, author, and former psychology professor. In late January 2020, I attended a workshop that she hosted based upon her first book, When the Heart Speaks, Listen.

In the workshop we did an exercise from the book where we have a conversation with our hearts. I remember settling onto some pillows on the floor of the yoga studio where we held the workshop, breathing deeply, and trying to connect to the wisdom of my heart. I pulled out the purple notebook and began writing as words revealed themselves to me.

Shortly after the workshop, I had several conferences and speaking events. Then, in March the world came to a standstill. Somewhere during that time, I put the notebook aside and forgot about it. My son’s need for a notebook helped me to rediscover it. I thought I’d share the conversation. Be warned: I had finished cancer treatment five months earlier and my inner dialogue had copious f-bombs (cursing was one of my cancer survival strategies).

ME: Hi…heart. So this is a little weird. Not sure if you’re really listening. If you can listen. Of if you’ll speak back. How will I know if it’s you? Couldn’t it just be me willing you to speak?…I’m making this complicated.

HEART: You always do.

ME. I know. Fuck. I know.

HEART: It’s okay.

ME: Not sure that it is. I’m gonna cry. I don’t want to cry here. I hate crying in front of people.

HEART: Why? It’s not like you’re wearing any makeup today.

ME: I feel like you’re telling me I look busted.

HEART: There you go making it complicated again. I didn’t say that.

ME: I know. So what do you want to say?

HEART: What do you want me to say?

ME: Tell me the truth. Tell me what’s inside you.

[silence]

ME: Are you still there? Obviously you are, but what are you saying? What do you want?

HEART: That’s what I asked you.

ME: And I said I wanted the truth. That’s kind of a lot, though, isn’t it? I guess we just met. So tell me, who are you? No…how are you?

HEART: I’m tired. And I’m a bit sad and overwhelmed, but you don’t want me to be sad and overwhelmed.

ME: You can be. You can take of the armor now.

HEART: Thank you. It was getting heavy.

ME: I don’t mean to wear it so much. I thought I’d taken it off.

HEART: I don’t know if you really know how.

ME: Can you help me?

HEART: I can, but you have to start paying attention to me, like you do to your mind and your body.

ME: I don’t ever pay attention to you, do I?

HEART: No, not unless I start bothering you. Like if I beat too fast or too hard.

ME: I’m trying to listen now.

[I take several deep breaths, visualize taking off my armor and I see my shining heart].

ME: You’re pretty bright!

HEART: You keep dulling me.

ME: I have a hard time letting you shine. People notice when you shine.

HEART: So let them.

ME: I want them to, but I don’t.

HEART: But I shine anyway.

ME: You do. And they notice.

HEART: What’s so bad about people noticing?

ME: They’re not supposed to notice.

HEART: But you kind of want them to.

ME: I know! But for the right reasons! I mean, in the right way. I don’t know.

HEART: People noticed in bad ways.

ME: They did. And they didn’t know how to handle it.

HEART: You’re not in kindergarten anymore.

ME: Feels like I always sam. When they notice my shine, they ask me for things, more things than I can give.

HEART: So say no.

ME: I don’t know how. Well, I know how in some ways but not in others. I don’t want to give too many nos because then they won’t like me.

HEART: You think you have to give people your shine.

ME: Yes! OMG, that’s it. I have to give it to them to make sure they don’t feel bad about my shine or to make sure I’m shining in the way they want me to shine.

HEART: Like socially acceptable shine?

ME: Yes!

HEART: That’s fucked.

ME: Oh God, it really is.

HEART: So you can’t let me shine unless it’s the right way, which means you can’t really celebrate and be grateful for your shine.

ME: I can only be resentful.

HEART: Yep.

ME: And closed in, armored.

HEART: Yep.

ME: That is fucked.

[more silence]

ME: I wonder what happens when you stifle shine like that. Could it…

HEART: Grow cancerous? Yep.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with your heart? Or did anything in this post resonate with you? Join the conversation and let me know.

A Conversation with Lerita Coleman Brown

In 2023, I had the opportunity to be in conversation with Lerita Coleman Brown for the launch of her book, What Makes You Come Alive: A Spiritual Walk with Howard Thurman, at the Auburn Avenue Research Library. Watch it here!

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