Thank you for sharing so openly about the ways you’re continually unlearning harmful lessons and ways of being that diminish your full self showing up.
it’s relieving and helpful to relate to you as a fellow oldest daughter, SBW in recovery and lifelong learner. I’m doing my work to notice and unlearn psychological shrinking so it’s good to see you as an example of being fulfilled and accomplished while also recognizing the intentionality needed to care for ourselves.
I was just thinking about this the other day. My husband had a lunch gathering with classmates and a professor at the professor's home. I came in after they were done, having spent the morning working on my own stuff, to meet the professor and classmates. I found myself not making eye contact as much, and rounding my shoulders forward and curving my spine when all these academics pursuing PhDs started asking me about my work which is a professional rather than academic doctorate. I was conscious of it, and so mad about it, but still leaned in to the practice of minimizing myself and my project. Like an embodied apology for existing and being in a doctoral program. I think my version of taking up space lately is on my substack, and in little ways where I'm finding more empowerment and less patience for entitlement, like an experience at the grocery store the other day. Andrew and I were in the coffee aisle picking some local coffee to take to my sister in ATL, and an impatient woman walked briskly by, clearly annoyed. Andrew backed away from the shelf and said "oh sorry." I didn't even think, I just said "don't apologize! We're shopping and will move when we are done." I'm not sorry about it.
I'm also learning not to share my space, to take up space instead. I'm trying to unlearn my habit of saying, "sorry" when someone else gets in my bubble. I'm not sorry. I'm taking up space. Thanks for the validation and the reminder.
I bet frequently saying “I’m sorry” is a telltale sign of those of us who need to learn to take up space! I’ve been working on not doing that as much. In teaching, I’ve issued a moratorium on saying it in classes where women kept apologizing for speaking.
Dr. Walker-Barnes! Wow! This article was so on point. I loved the lines, "That is what eldest daughters, StrongBlackWomen, parentified children do. It’s what the responsible ones do: we constantly look around to make sure that everyone has what they need, sacrificing our own needs in the process." I am an only child, the oldest grandchild of an oldest daughter and noticed this was the posture of my mother, who would move off the sidewalk to let others pass or quickly say "Excuse Me," even though someone else had taken up her space. I noticed that in some small ways I have done the same. Thank you for bringing to my attention to take up space for myself and all the times my momma forgot to do it too!
Dr. Walker-Barnes, I didn’t realize that I was shrinking myself until I took a Pilates class at the gym. I did all the things, made sure others had room, concerned if the late comers had enough space, tempted to move my mat over. Thank you for putting words to this unconscious habit. Now I am examining my generosity in setting, to not diminish my shine.
It really shows up in those group exercise classes, doesn’t it? I realized that I was more vexed about it than the instructor who’s getting paid to worry about it!
I am not a woman of color but as “me” your words hit my heart. I’ve always been a shrinker, pulling away lest I might get in someone’s way. Far be it from me to suppose I might be worthy to “take up space” that someone else may need. Although I’ve come far from the insecure young girl, I still see how I say, “Oh, I’m sorry. ” “Excuse me.” And, “Am I in your way?” much more often than needed.
Oh it’s definitely not unique to women of color. Girls and women are generally affected by it more, but so are a lot of men and boys. One way that I started working on my tendency to over-say “I’m sorry” has been to not do it in emails.
First off your kindergarten pic is sooo cute!
Thank you for sharing so openly about the ways you’re continually unlearning harmful lessons and ways of being that diminish your full self showing up.
it’s relieving and helpful to relate to you as a fellow oldest daughter, SBW in recovery and lifelong learner. I’m doing my work to notice and unlearn psychological shrinking so it’s good to see you as an example of being fulfilled and accomplished while also recognizing the intentionality needed to care for ourselves.
Now cue Toni Jones ‘Take up Space Sis’ 🎶
I had never heard of Toni Jones. Thank you! I’ve found a new fave.
Yeeeesss!! The time to shrink back, be small, and stay quiet HAS PASSED!! Love hearing your wisdom here, as per usual. 💖
I was just thinking about this the other day. My husband had a lunch gathering with classmates and a professor at the professor's home. I came in after they were done, having spent the morning working on my own stuff, to meet the professor and classmates. I found myself not making eye contact as much, and rounding my shoulders forward and curving my spine when all these academics pursuing PhDs started asking me about my work which is a professional rather than academic doctorate. I was conscious of it, and so mad about it, but still leaned in to the practice of minimizing myself and my project. Like an embodied apology for existing and being in a doctoral program. I think my version of taking up space lately is on my substack, and in little ways where I'm finding more empowerment and less patience for entitlement, like an experience at the grocery store the other day. Andrew and I were in the coffee aisle picking some local coffee to take to my sister in ATL, and an impatient woman walked briskly by, clearly annoyed. Andrew backed away from the shelf and said "oh sorry." I didn't even think, I just said "don't apologize! We're shopping and will move when we are done." I'm not sorry about it.
The doctoral process is so competitive. It definitely compounds these issues. But kudos to your growing awareness and small acts of resistance!
I'm also learning not to share my space, to take up space instead. I'm trying to unlearn my habit of saying, "sorry" when someone else gets in my bubble. I'm not sorry. I'm taking up space. Thanks for the validation and the reminder.
I bet frequently saying “I’m sorry” is a telltale sign of those of us who need to learn to take up space! I’ve been working on not doing that as much. In teaching, I’ve issued a moratorium on saying it in classes where women kept apologizing for speaking.
Dr. Walker-Barnes! Wow! This article was so on point. I loved the lines, "That is what eldest daughters, StrongBlackWomen, parentified children do. It’s what the responsible ones do: we constantly look around to make sure that everyone has what they need, sacrificing our own needs in the process." I am an only child, the oldest grandchild of an oldest daughter and noticed this was the posture of my mother, who would move off the sidewalk to let others pass or quickly say "Excuse Me," even though someone else had taken up her space. I noticed that in some small ways I have done the same. Thank you for bringing to my attention to take up space for myself and all the times my momma forgot to do it too!
Both of my parents are eldest children too, and I’ve recently realized we all struggle with the same problem in different ways.
Dr. Walker-Barnes, I didn’t realize that I was shrinking myself until I took a Pilates class at the gym. I did all the things, made sure others had room, concerned if the late comers had enough space, tempted to move my mat over. Thank you for putting words to this unconscious habit. Now I am examining my generosity in setting, to not diminish my shine.
It really shows up in those group exercise classes, doesn’t it? I realized that I was more vexed about it than the instructor who’s getting paid to worry about it!
I resonate with so much of this. Thank you for giving me a vocabulary to describe what my heart has known.
The heart often knows what the mind hasn’t verbalized, doesn’t it?
So true...thank you.
Brava. Thank you, Dr. Walker-Barnes.
Thank you!
I am not a woman of color but as “me” your words hit my heart. I’ve always been a shrinker, pulling away lest I might get in someone’s way. Far be it from me to suppose I might be worthy to “take up space” that someone else may need. Although I’ve come far from the insecure young girl, I still see how I say, “Oh, I’m sorry. ” “Excuse me.” And, “Am I in your way?” much more often than needed.
Oh it’s definitely not unique to women of color. Girls and women are generally affected by it more, but so are a lot of men and boys. One way that I started working on my tendency to over-say “I’m sorry” has been to not do it in emails.
Your words are insightful and create a safe space in which to ponder ourselves. Thank you.
Thank you!
Saw myself so much in this. Who taught us how to shrink ourselves? I constantly have to tell myself I get to take up space as well.
We have to re-parent ourselves.
♥️!